“What’s the matter, Kuchiki? Cat got your tongue?”
Actually, no. I was much too preoccupied in trying to extricate myself in the politest manner humanly possible from the chat with Ichimaru that I was having, which seemed to be suddenly inclined to perversities too obscene for me to speak of.
“If you’ll excuse me, Ichimaru, I have other matters to attend to. Other matters... cleaner than this.” I managed to say, staying as composed as I could, although if Ichimaru looked carefully, he’d see that my legs were shaking slightly.
“What sort of matters?” said Ichimaru, poking his long nose further into my matters. Oh, he wasn’t thick: far from it. He knew perfectly well that he was annoying me no end, and in a sadistic way, he was enjoying it.
“If I needed you to know that, I would have invited you to attend to them with me.” I said coolly.
“Oh dear, there’s no need to get so touchy about it. I was merely pulling your dignified leg.” laughed Ichimaru, and I felt a sudden urge—utterly uncharacteristic of me—to dissect him.
“You can go pull someone else’s leg now. I have neither the time nor patience to put up with your imbecilities.” I said.
“Nobody’s leg is as fun to pull as yours.”
The meaning of that idiomatic expression became more and more inclined to the literal by the minute, thanks to Ichimaru.
“I see,” I said lamely, paused for a couple of minutes in thought, and went on: “Then I suppose you haven’t given Zaraki’s leg a try.”
“Not my type,” Ichimaru said, waving a hand in the air as though that would brush the matter aside.
A couple of minutes’ worth of uncomfortable silence passed with neither of us moving a muscle, following which I decided to assert myself.
“I suppose that’s all.” I said; “I shall be on my way then.”
I walked away as quickly as my dignified legs would permit. Or at least I tried: Ichimaru’s mouth was quicker.
“Wait there, Kuchiki. You can’t just walk away like that. And I thought the Nobility was good-mannered.”
I stopped. No matter how much I hate to admit it, he was right; and I curse the half-witted wheelbarrow that obliged my kind to adhere to his half-witted rules. But why was Ichimaru so determined to talk to me anyway?
“What exactly do you want from me, Ichimaru? I’m more than tired of your inane blabbering.”
My self-respect was dwindling with every sentence I spoke: I was not wont to prolonging conversation beyond a single exchange.
“What do I want from you?” said Ichimaru; “Nothing except the warmth of your bed and a truckload of love.” The last word was sickeningly long-drawn.
I inhaled deeply. I tried to convince myself that Ichimaru was simply drunk. That’s right: Ichimaru was just... drunk... even though the only thing he drinks is Aizen’s tea.
“Captain Kuchiki!”
I turned around.
“Oh. It’s only you, Captain Hitsuyaga. Is there something you wished to talk to me about?”
I willed him to reply in the affirmative with the last vestiges of sanity I had left. My chest felt a thousand times lighter when I saw him nod.
“It’s urgent, Captain Kuchiki! You must come.”
He held me by the arm and I willingly followed him away from Ichimaru and his disgraceful candor and iniquitous lustiness.
“I must say, Captain of Squad Ten, that I appreciate your help.” I said.
“Don’t mention it.”
“I must commend the coincidence that occasioned this good fortune.”
“It was no coincidence: I went there knowingly.”
“So you knew?” I have to admit I was feeling a bit uncomfortable.
“Yes, I did. I’m aware of Captain Ichimaru’s unnatural affinities and perverse mentality, and in the interest of preserving the Seiretei’s sanctity, I’ve been warning people toward whom Ichimaru made what they call ‘the first move.’” He chuckled at his artistry and brilliance.
I wanted to ask, what sanctity was he talking of? Was he not aware of the fact that sanctity and rampant homicide were mutually exclusive?
Hitsugaya went on: “But I haven’t been entirely successful. Yesterday, a soul reaper was... defiled.”
I raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “Really? Who was she?”
Hitsugaya shifted uncomfortably. “It was a ‘he’.”
“Ah,” I said, an enlightened glint probably appearing in my eye. “That would explain the obscene remarks he was making before you rescued me from there.”
“Pretty much so, yes.”
“How long have you been aware of this?”
“Ever since Lieutenant Kira returned with a sore butt.”
“The skinny blond fellow?”
Hitsugaya laughed. “Yes, that’s one way to put it. He returned a little paler than usual, and upon my asking, retreated wordlessly into his quarters with a conspicuous hand over his butt.”
“That’s disturbing. Why haven’t you told the Head Captain of this?”
“He probably doesn’t even know that people do stuff like that.” Hitsugaya laughed again, and this time, I myself felt the need to smirk. “And besides, Ichimaru always gets his way by feeding him bullshit.”
Harsh imagery, but I agree: sometimes even I envy Ichimaru for his natural ability to free himself from even the tightest of corners.
“So what are you planning to do?” I asked. I honestly didn’t want a repetition of my encounter with Ichimaru.
“Disband Squad Three.”
I raised the other eyebrow. “Wouldn’t that be going a bit too far? And how do you plan on bringing it about anyway?”
“Love potion.” Hitsugaya said.
I waited for him to go on, but apparently he thought that it sufficed to say just that much. I had to prompt him: “Go on.”
“I invented this love potion out of some stuff I nicked from Captain Mayuri’s lab.”
“And you intend on drinking it and spending the night with Captain Ichimaru?” I sneered as much as a person of my degree of nobility is allowed to sneer—in other words, not much.
“Very funny, Captain Kuchiki, but I’m not the one who’ll be drinking this. But you got that part right: Who we’re going to give it to shall spend the night with that abomination.”
“And who is this who?” A piteous rhetorical question.
“Huh?” Hitsugaya’s face lost a lot of its vitality. Evidently, he expected me to know who that who was. “You mean you haven’t guessed yet?”
I shook my head politely.
“Captain Aizen, of course! All we have to do is slip it into his tea.”
I couldn’t conceal my incredulity at the absurdity of the notion. “To what effect?”
“Huh? That he spends the night with Ichimaru, of course, and gets high and—”
“I get that already.” I cut him off derisively. I honestly didn’t fancy him rendering me at an intellectually inferior position to himself. “I meant: what is the significance Aizen’s one-night sojourn at Ichimaru’s?”
“Ah, I’m glad you came to that.” Hitsugaya said superciliously, before rambling away: “That way he’ll...”
He went on to explain to me, rather circuitously, how Aizen would elope with Ichimaru and the Seiretei would be free of homosexuals and shady people with glasses.
“That’s a charming idea you have there, Hitsugaya, but I would consider revising it if I were you.” I said, being generous enough to not tell him outright that there were more chances of a squad four menial’s being promoted to the position of Captain in the near future than his plan’s success.
“What do you mean?” Hitsugaya said, looking rather affronted. He went on to challenge me: “Tell me one single thing about my plan that you think won’t work.”
“Well, for one thing, who is going to administer the love potion to Captain Aizen?”
“Tch. You thought I didn’t think of that? Obviously it’ll be Momo.”
“You mean: Lieutenant Hinamori.” I corrected. I detest the absence of impersonality between ranks—and it’s part of the rules. Although I myself address Lieutenant Abarai as Renji sometimes.
“Yes, I mean Lieutenant Hinamori.” Hitsugaya said with asperity.
“Moving on,” I said, “just how exactly can you guarantee for Aizen to... take on Ichimaru after the potion starts to work? For all one knows, Lieutenant Hinamori just might happen to be the subject of his hidden lust.”
Hitsugaya cringed at the prospect, and conceded that the contingency was not weak, but “I know for a fact that Aizen is drawn toward the male sex.”
After seeing Ichimaru behave that way, I didn’t think anything could surprise me. Unsurprisingly, this bit of news didn’t.
Sarcastically I said, “So, Hitsugaya, just how many of our Captains do you think are... you-know-what.” I refused to let that foul word taint my noble lips.
“Just the two of them. Which makes it a lot easier to gauge the odds.”
“So you admit that there still are odds.” It was a statement.
Hitsugaya hesitated. “Yes, I do.”
“Well, name them.”
“I have a remote misgiving that Aizen might come after you instead.”
“Me?”
The prospect was not merely nauseatingly disconcerting, but opprobrious to the point that I’m almost considering taking a permanent vacation to the Land of the Living. Never fear, Seiretei: my nobility steadfastly prevents me from taking such reckless and irrevocable actions.
Hitsugaya seemed to have become suddenly interested in the texture of my scarf. “How much did you say this was worth?”
“Ten houses,” I said; “Don’t pretend you don’t remember—I’ve made myself hoarse trying to get that into everyone’s head. And anyway, why are you changing the subject?”
“So it didn’t slip your notice.” laughed Hitsugaya. When he saw that I wasn’t anywhere near smiling, he said, “All right, fine. Don’t blame me because Aizen’s taken a fancy to you.”
“I had hoped you wouldn’t say that.”
“Well face it: he has.”
“Since when?”
“But you don’t have to worry too much, Captain Kuchiki: Aizen’s drawn to everybody.”
“Then why am I the only one in danger?”
“I’m guessing that your cologne turns him on in some way.”
“Again, I had hoped you wouldn’t say that.” I said, running a hand through my beautiful, noble hair in order not to appear half as disturbed as I really was.
“Well, it’s true. And not just Aizen, but even Ichimaru has taken a fancy for you because of your cologne.”
“So what do I do?”
“All I can say is: lock your door at night. Unless, of course, somewhere deep down you don’t mind threesomes with the same sex.”
I cringed. “Just to remind you, Hitsugaya, I am a member of the noble Kuchiki family. What you’re suggesting... is not only disgusting but also morally wrong.”
“The last bit inclines me to believe that if it weren’t for your family’s morals, you wouldn’t have minded.”
“Did I say that? What I meant was that little children shouldn’t poke their noses into adult matters.”
“By ‘adult’, do you mean—?”
“I most certainly do not!” I snapped. I knew today’s teenager’s idea of ‘adult’ perfectly well.
“A-nyway, how about getting back to the love potion topic? When do you think is the right time to carry out the Operation?”
“Right time? Any time will do.”
“Good. So tonight, Captain Kuchiki, the two of us shall expunge the Seiretei of immoral elements.”
I liked the sound of that. “So tonight it is.”
I was enjoying a late-evening nap in my bedroom; enjoying until nightmares of my encounter with Ichimaru began haunting me. That was when I desperately wanted to wake up. Thankfully, I was woken up—something hit my head.
“So you’re awake, Captain Kuchiki.”
My eyes were shut, but indubitably, that was Hitsugaya. “Yes, I’m awake.” I replied.
“Very good. It’s time now. And what are you looking for?”
I was scanning my room for the object that hit me.
“If you’re wondering, I hit you with a bolster.” Hitsugaya said.
“I knew that,” I replied; “I was looking for my headpiece.”
“You’re wearing it.”
Of course I knew that. “Let’s go, then.”
Although this wasn’t the first time I was walking around the Seiretei at night, our purpose made it seem so eerie and ominous that I impetuously turned around whenever I felt we were being followed.
Twice Hitsugaya stopped, looked at me through scrutinizing eyes and said, “Are you feeling all right?”
“I am,” I replied. I would not have him believe I was a sufferer of paranoia.
“Good,” said Hitsugaya; “Because for a moment I thought you were chickening out.”
I inhaled and raised myself to my full, dignified height. “You forget that I am a Kuchiki.”
Much to my chagrin and indignation, he wasn’t listening. With a hand cupped around his ear, he was evidently straining to hear something.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Sh,” he said; “There’s someone right outside the lieutenants’ room.”
“A lieutenant perhaps?” I said sarcastically.
“No. It’s a captain.”
“How can you tell?” I was not aware that a captain’s footsteps were any different from a lieutenant’s.
“I can see him.” Hitsugaya replied; “And it’s not just any captain—It’s Captain Ichimaru.”
“How convenient. I am aware that Ichimaru has a propensity to materialize in the wrong place at the wrong time. He couldn’t have made this occasion an exception, I suppose.”
“Apparently not.”
“However are we going to get to Lieutenant Hinamori this way?”
“You stay hidden over here, and I’ll go fetch her.”
“Why should I stay hidden?” I was a captain, and the last thing a captain did was hide.
“For one thing, I don’t think anybody wants Ichimaru to get physical with you in public. For another, Momo doesn’t trust you.”
“For the former, I understand what you’re saying, and I might add that I would not fancy him getting physical with me in private either. For the latter, Lieutenant Hinamori isn’t the first one to distrust me.” It was remotely painful to live with the thought that every other person I met distrusted me.
“So you understand. That’s the main thing. Now, you stay hidden.”
Even before I could protest, Hitsugaya had dashed off to the lieutenants’ room.
From where I was hidden, I could see Ichimaru intercept him and engage him in conversation. But he didn’t seem remotely interested in Hitsugaya—attesting to the fact that he wasn’t pedophilic—and so let him pass. Ichimaru lingered there for a few moments before striding off in the other direction. After a while, by some misplaced twist of fate, Aizen appeared at the spot Ichimaru had left a few minutes before. He appeared to be looking for something—judging from the periodical turning of his cranium from side to side. And then he left, too, and at the same time, two dwarfish figures emerged from the lieutenants’ room. Hitsugaya engaged Hinamori in conversation outside the room before handing her what I assumed was the so-called love potion, and ushered her back inside. Then he returned to where I was still hidden.
“Have you given it to her?” I asked even though I knew the job was done.
“I have.”
“How did you convince her to poison her beloved Captain Aizen?”
Hitsugaya smirked. “Easy,” he said; “I told her it was a flavor intensifier that was certain to help Captain Aizen find respite from the stress of work.”
“And she believed you?”
“She believes everything I say.”
“So you’ve taken advantage of her.” I noted; “And how do you think she’ll condone this reprehensible act of yours after Captain Aizen is expelled from the Seiretei?”
Hitsugaya smirked again, and something told me I didn’t want to hear what he was about to say. “I’ve made sure of that, too. All I have to do is tell her that you poisoned Aizen’s tea in order to take revenge for something.”
How much more nefarious can his thinking get?
“Anyway,” Hitsugaya went on, “Momo’s probably already in Aizen’s room. Shall we go and spy?”
I didn’t like the sound of that word, but evidently the success of our operation depended on it.
“Yes,” I replied, and we walked over to Aizen’s room, careful to keep our footsteps as inaudible as possible.
Through the thin membrane that served as a wall, we could make out two figures within the room—who were obviously Captain Aizen and his lieutenant.
“You work so hard, Captain Aizen. I think you should rest a little.” said Lieutenant Hinamori.
“I have no choice, Momo,”—tut! Captain Hinamori, he should say—“I have to work.”
“Then I’ll make you some tea.”
“I’ll appreciate that, Momo.”
Hitsugaya in front of me was tense with excitement.
A few minutes later,
“Here’s your tea, Captain Aizen.”
“Thank you so much, Momo.”
“Captain Aizen...?”
“Yes?”
“If you don’t mind, can I sit here and watch you?”
“You can stay for as long as you like, Momo.”
“Thank you, Captain.”
I don’t know how long we stood there, but it must have been a long time. Lieutenant Hinamori had fallen asleep, apparently, and finally, Captain Aizen was drinking his tea.
“I feel strange,” I heard Captain Aizen whisper.
“Now’s the time. Let’s get out of here.” Hitsugaya said, and the two of us had barely managed to turn around the corner when Aizen slid his door open.
“He’s incredibly horny right now, and let’s hope that the first person he finds on the way is Captain Ichimaru.”
“Let’s hope?”
“Yeah. What if Old Man Yamamoto shows up, huh? That’ll be nothing short of a calamity.”
“Old people sleep early.”
He was about to reply, but the sound of Ichimaru’s voice shut him up:
“Captain Aizen! Isn’t this a pleasant surprise? I was hoping to run into you.”
We heard the sound of two bodies colliding and a muffled cry. I permitted myself a peak around the corner just in time to see Aizen making off with Ichimaru slung over his shoulder in the direction of the latter’s room.
“Let’s follow them.” said Hitsugaya.
“What? And witness their intimacy? I’m sorry, but I’m a Kuchiki, and Kuchikis are not voyeurs.”
“Be reasonable, Captain Kuchiki. It’s all to see if the Operation was successful.”
And so, against my will, I found myself being dragged all the way to Ichimaru’s room.
“Hear them?” whispered Hitsugaya; “Sounds like they’re really into it.”
I could hear furniture being disturbed, the wooden floor shaking, Ichimaru moaning, Aizen grunting, and all sorts of other hideous noises that were sure to give me sleepless nights for at least a month.
The next day, we received news that Captain Aizen was found murdered, and Lieutenants Hinamori and Kira were jailed for misbehaving. I heard from Hitsugaya that the former suspected Ichimaru for the murder.
“Looks like your plan failed.”
“No, not quite. Both Ichimaru and Aizen have been successfully incapacitated.
Incapacitated was a rather weak word to describe Aizen’s state, but I had to agree.
“So my bed is finally safe.” I remarked idly.
“Er, I wouldn’t be too sure of that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Captain Kuchiki, can I sleep over at your place tonight?”
I made a mental note to visit Lieutenant Hinamori in prison and find out if she had accidentally (or otherwise) administered the love potion to Hitsugaya.
As for now, I’m considering replacing my bed with a sleeping bag.
Actually, no. I was much too preoccupied in trying to extricate myself in the politest manner humanly possible from the chat with Ichimaru that I was having, which seemed to be suddenly inclined to perversities too obscene for me to speak of.
“If you’ll excuse me, Ichimaru, I have other matters to attend to. Other matters... cleaner than this.” I managed to say, staying as composed as I could, although if Ichimaru looked carefully, he’d see that my legs were shaking slightly.
“What sort of matters?” said Ichimaru, poking his long nose further into my matters. Oh, he wasn’t thick: far from it. He knew perfectly well that he was annoying me no end, and in a sadistic way, he was enjoying it.
“If I needed you to know that, I would have invited you to attend to them with me.” I said coolly.
“Oh dear, there’s no need to get so touchy about it. I was merely pulling your dignified leg.” laughed Ichimaru, and I felt a sudden urge—utterly uncharacteristic of me—to dissect him.
“You can go pull someone else’s leg now. I have neither the time nor patience to put up with your imbecilities.” I said.
“Nobody’s leg is as fun to pull as yours.”
The meaning of that idiomatic expression became more and more inclined to the literal by the minute, thanks to Ichimaru.
“I see,” I said lamely, paused for a couple of minutes in thought, and went on: “Then I suppose you haven’t given Zaraki’s leg a try.”
“Not my type,” Ichimaru said, waving a hand in the air as though that would brush the matter aside.
A couple of minutes’ worth of uncomfortable silence passed with neither of us moving a muscle, following which I decided to assert myself.
“I suppose that’s all.” I said; “I shall be on my way then.”
I walked away as quickly as my dignified legs would permit. Or at least I tried: Ichimaru’s mouth was quicker.
“Wait there, Kuchiki. You can’t just walk away like that. And I thought the Nobility was good-mannered.”
I stopped. No matter how much I hate to admit it, he was right; and I curse the half-witted wheelbarrow that obliged my kind to adhere to his half-witted rules. But why was Ichimaru so determined to talk to me anyway?
“What exactly do you want from me, Ichimaru? I’m more than tired of your inane blabbering.”
My self-respect was dwindling with every sentence I spoke: I was not wont to prolonging conversation beyond a single exchange.
“What do I want from you?” said Ichimaru; “Nothing except the warmth of your bed and a truckload of love.” The last word was sickeningly long-drawn.
I inhaled deeply. I tried to convince myself that Ichimaru was simply drunk. That’s right: Ichimaru was just... drunk... even though the only thing he drinks is Aizen’s tea.
“Captain Kuchiki!”
I turned around.
“Oh. It’s only you, Captain Hitsuyaga. Is there something you wished to talk to me about?”
I willed him to reply in the affirmative with the last vestiges of sanity I had left. My chest felt a thousand times lighter when I saw him nod.
“It’s urgent, Captain Kuchiki! You must come.”
He held me by the arm and I willingly followed him away from Ichimaru and his disgraceful candor and iniquitous lustiness.
“I must say, Captain of Squad Ten, that I appreciate your help.” I said.
“Don’t mention it.”
“I must commend the coincidence that occasioned this good fortune.”
“It was no coincidence: I went there knowingly.”
“So you knew?” I have to admit I was feeling a bit uncomfortable.
“Yes, I did. I’m aware of Captain Ichimaru’s unnatural affinities and perverse mentality, and in the interest of preserving the Seiretei’s sanctity, I’ve been warning people toward whom Ichimaru made what they call ‘the first move.’” He chuckled at his artistry and brilliance.
I wanted to ask, what sanctity was he talking of? Was he not aware of the fact that sanctity and rampant homicide were mutually exclusive?
Hitsugaya went on: “But I haven’t been entirely successful. Yesterday, a soul reaper was... defiled.”
I raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “Really? Who was she?”
Hitsugaya shifted uncomfortably. “It was a ‘he’.”
“Ah,” I said, an enlightened glint probably appearing in my eye. “That would explain the obscene remarks he was making before you rescued me from there.”
“Pretty much so, yes.”
“How long have you been aware of this?”
“Ever since Lieutenant Kira returned with a sore butt.”
“The skinny blond fellow?”
Hitsugaya laughed. “Yes, that’s one way to put it. He returned a little paler than usual, and upon my asking, retreated wordlessly into his quarters with a conspicuous hand over his butt.”
“That’s disturbing. Why haven’t you told the Head Captain of this?”
“He probably doesn’t even know that people do stuff like that.” Hitsugaya laughed again, and this time, I myself felt the need to smirk. “And besides, Ichimaru always gets his way by feeding him bullshit.”
Harsh imagery, but I agree: sometimes even I envy Ichimaru for his natural ability to free himself from even the tightest of corners.
“So what are you planning to do?” I asked. I honestly didn’t want a repetition of my encounter with Ichimaru.
“Disband Squad Three.”
I raised the other eyebrow. “Wouldn’t that be going a bit too far? And how do you plan on bringing it about anyway?”
“Love potion.” Hitsugaya said.
I waited for him to go on, but apparently he thought that it sufficed to say just that much. I had to prompt him: “Go on.”
“I invented this love potion out of some stuff I nicked from Captain Mayuri’s lab.”
“And you intend on drinking it and spending the night with Captain Ichimaru?” I sneered as much as a person of my degree of nobility is allowed to sneer—in other words, not much.
“Very funny, Captain Kuchiki, but I’m not the one who’ll be drinking this. But you got that part right: Who we’re going to give it to shall spend the night with that abomination.”
“And who is this who?” A piteous rhetorical question.
“Huh?” Hitsugaya’s face lost a lot of its vitality. Evidently, he expected me to know who that who was. “You mean you haven’t guessed yet?”
I shook my head politely.
“Captain Aizen, of course! All we have to do is slip it into his tea.”
I couldn’t conceal my incredulity at the absurdity of the notion. “To what effect?”
“Huh? That he spends the night with Ichimaru, of course, and gets high and—”
“I get that already.” I cut him off derisively. I honestly didn’t fancy him rendering me at an intellectually inferior position to himself. “I meant: what is the significance Aizen’s one-night sojourn at Ichimaru’s?”
“Ah, I’m glad you came to that.” Hitsugaya said superciliously, before rambling away: “That way he’ll...”
He went on to explain to me, rather circuitously, how Aizen would elope with Ichimaru and the Seiretei would be free of homosexuals and shady people with glasses.
“That’s a charming idea you have there, Hitsugaya, but I would consider revising it if I were you.” I said, being generous enough to not tell him outright that there were more chances of a squad four menial’s being promoted to the position of Captain in the near future than his plan’s success.
“What do you mean?” Hitsugaya said, looking rather affronted. He went on to challenge me: “Tell me one single thing about my plan that you think won’t work.”
“Well, for one thing, who is going to administer the love potion to Captain Aizen?”
“Tch. You thought I didn’t think of that? Obviously it’ll be Momo.”
“You mean: Lieutenant Hinamori.” I corrected. I detest the absence of impersonality between ranks—and it’s part of the rules. Although I myself address Lieutenant Abarai as Renji sometimes.
“Yes, I mean Lieutenant Hinamori.” Hitsugaya said with asperity.
“Moving on,” I said, “just how exactly can you guarantee for Aizen to... take on Ichimaru after the potion starts to work? For all one knows, Lieutenant Hinamori just might happen to be the subject of his hidden lust.”
Hitsugaya cringed at the prospect, and conceded that the contingency was not weak, but “I know for a fact that Aizen is drawn toward the male sex.”
After seeing Ichimaru behave that way, I didn’t think anything could surprise me. Unsurprisingly, this bit of news didn’t.
Sarcastically I said, “So, Hitsugaya, just how many of our Captains do you think are... you-know-what.” I refused to let that foul word taint my noble lips.
“Just the two of them. Which makes it a lot easier to gauge the odds.”
“So you admit that there still are odds.” It was a statement.
Hitsugaya hesitated. “Yes, I do.”
“Well, name them.”
“I have a remote misgiving that Aizen might come after you instead.”
“Me?”
The prospect was not merely nauseatingly disconcerting, but opprobrious to the point that I’m almost considering taking a permanent vacation to the Land of the Living. Never fear, Seiretei: my nobility steadfastly prevents me from taking such reckless and irrevocable actions.
Hitsugaya seemed to have become suddenly interested in the texture of my scarf. “How much did you say this was worth?”
“Ten houses,” I said; “Don’t pretend you don’t remember—I’ve made myself hoarse trying to get that into everyone’s head. And anyway, why are you changing the subject?”
“So it didn’t slip your notice.” laughed Hitsugaya. When he saw that I wasn’t anywhere near smiling, he said, “All right, fine. Don’t blame me because Aizen’s taken a fancy to you.”
“I had hoped you wouldn’t say that.”
“Well face it: he has.”
“Since when?”
“But you don’t have to worry too much, Captain Kuchiki: Aizen’s drawn to everybody.”
“Then why am I the only one in danger?”
“I’m guessing that your cologne turns him on in some way.”
“Again, I had hoped you wouldn’t say that.” I said, running a hand through my beautiful, noble hair in order not to appear half as disturbed as I really was.
“Well, it’s true. And not just Aizen, but even Ichimaru has taken a fancy for you because of your cologne.”
“So what do I do?”
“All I can say is: lock your door at night. Unless, of course, somewhere deep down you don’t mind threesomes with the same sex.”
I cringed. “Just to remind you, Hitsugaya, I am a member of the noble Kuchiki family. What you’re suggesting... is not only disgusting but also morally wrong.”
“The last bit inclines me to believe that if it weren’t for your family’s morals, you wouldn’t have minded.”
“Did I say that? What I meant was that little children shouldn’t poke their noses into adult matters.”
“By ‘adult’, do you mean—?”
“I most certainly do not!” I snapped. I knew today’s teenager’s idea of ‘adult’ perfectly well.
“A-nyway, how about getting back to the love potion topic? When do you think is the right time to carry out the Operation?”
“Right time? Any time will do.”
“Good. So tonight, Captain Kuchiki, the two of us shall expunge the Seiretei of immoral elements.”
I liked the sound of that. “So tonight it is.”
*
I was enjoying a late-evening nap in my bedroom; enjoying until nightmares of my encounter with Ichimaru began haunting me. That was when I desperately wanted to wake up. Thankfully, I was woken up—something hit my head.
“So you’re awake, Captain Kuchiki.”
My eyes were shut, but indubitably, that was Hitsugaya. “Yes, I’m awake.” I replied.
“Very good. It’s time now. And what are you looking for?”
I was scanning my room for the object that hit me.
“If you’re wondering, I hit you with a bolster.” Hitsugaya said.
“I knew that,” I replied; “I was looking for my headpiece.”
“You’re wearing it.”
Of course I knew that. “Let’s go, then.”
Although this wasn’t the first time I was walking around the Seiretei at night, our purpose made it seem so eerie and ominous that I impetuously turned around whenever I felt we were being followed.
Twice Hitsugaya stopped, looked at me through scrutinizing eyes and said, “Are you feeling all right?”
“I am,” I replied. I would not have him believe I was a sufferer of paranoia.
“Good,” said Hitsugaya; “Because for a moment I thought you were chickening out.”
I inhaled and raised myself to my full, dignified height. “You forget that I am a Kuchiki.”
Much to my chagrin and indignation, he wasn’t listening. With a hand cupped around his ear, he was evidently straining to hear something.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Sh,” he said; “There’s someone right outside the lieutenants’ room.”
“A lieutenant perhaps?” I said sarcastically.
“No. It’s a captain.”
“How can you tell?” I was not aware that a captain’s footsteps were any different from a lieutenant’s.
“I can see him.” Hitsugaya replied; “And it’s not just any captain—It’s Captain Ichimaru.”
“How convenient. I am aware that Ichimaru has a propensity to materialize in the wrong place at the wrong time. He couldn’t have made this occasion an exception, I suppose.”
“Apparently not.”
“However are we going to get to Lieutenant Hinamori this way?”
“You stay hidden over here, and I’ll go fetch her.”
“Why should I stay hidden?” I was a captain, and the last thing a captain did was hide.
“For one thing, I don’t think anybody wants Ichimaru to get physical with you in public. For another, Momo doesn’t trust you.”
“For the former, I understand what you’re saying, and I might add that I would not fancy him getting physical with me in private either. For the latter, Lieutenant Hinamori isn’t the first one to distrust me.” It was remotely painful to live with the thought that every other person I met distrusted me.
“So you understand. That’s the main thing. Now, you stay hidden.”
Even before I could protest, Hitsugaya had dashed off to the lieutenants’ room.
From where I was hidden, I could see Ichimaru intercept him and engage him in conversation. But he didn’t seem remotely interested in Hitsugaya—attesting to the fact that he wasn’t pedophilic—and so let him pass. Ichimaru lingered there for a few moments before striding off in the other direction. After a while, by some misplaced twist of fate, Aizen appeared at the spot Ichimaru had left a few minutes before. He appeared to be looking for something—judging from the periodical turning of his cranium from side to side. And then he left, too, and at the same time, two dwarfish figures emerged from the lieutenants’ room. Hitsugaya engaged Hinamori in conversation outside the room before handing her what I assumed was the so-called love potion, and ushered her back inside. Then he returned to where I was still hidden.
“Have you given it to her?” I asked even though I knew the job was done.
“I have.”
“How did you convince her to poison her beloved Captain Aizen?”
Hitsugaya smirked. “Easy,” he said; “I told her it was a flavor intensifier that was certain to help Captain Aizen find respite from the stress of work.”
“And she believed you?”
“She believes everything I say.”
“So you’ve taken advantage of her.” I noted; “And how do you think she’ll condone this reprehensible act of yours after Captain Aizen is expelled from the Seiretei?”
Hitsugaya smirked again, and something told me I didn’t want to hear what he was about to say. “I’ve made sure of that, too. All I have to do is tell her that you poisoned Aizen’s tea in order to take revenge for something.”
How much more nefarious can his thinking get?
“Anyway,” Hitsugaya went on, “Momo’s probably already in Aizen’s room. Shall we go and spy?”
I didn’t like the sound of that word, but evidently the success of our operation depended on it.
“Yes,” I replied, and we walked over to Aizen’s room, careful to keep our footsteps as inaudible as possible.
Through the thin membrane that served as a wall, we could make out two figures within the room—who were obviously Captain Aizen and his lieutenant.
“You work so hard, Captain Aizen. I think you should rest a little.” said Lieutenant Hinamori.
“I have no choice, Momo,”—tut! Captain Hinamori, he should say—“I have to work.”
“Then I’ll make you some tea.”
“I’ll appreciate that, Momo.”
Hitsugaya in front of me was tense with excitement.
A few minutes later,
“Here’s your tea, Captain Aizen.”
“Thank you so much, Momo.”
“Captain Aizen...?”
“Yes?”
“If you don’t mind, can I sit here and watch you?”
“You can stay for as long as you like, Momo.”
“Thank you, Captain.”
I don’t know how long we stood there, but it must have been a long time. Lieutenant Hinamori had fallen asleep, apparently, and finally, Captain Aizen was drinking his tea.
“I feel strange,” I heard Captain Aizen whisper.
“Now’s the time. Let’s get out of here.” Hitsugaya said, and the two of us had barely managed to turn around the corner when Aizen slid his door open.
“He’s incredibly horny right now, and let’s hope that the first person he finds on the way is Captain Ichimaru.”
“Let’s hope?”
“Yeah. What if Old Man Yamamoto shows up, huh? That’ll be nothing short of a calamity.”
“Old people sleep early.”
He was about to reply, but the sound of Ichimaru’s voice shut him up:
“Captain Aizen! Isn’t this a pleasant surprise? I was hoping to run into you.”
We heard the sound of two bodies colliding and a muffled cry. I permitted myself a peak around the corner just in time to see Aizen making off with Ichimaru slung over his shoulder in the direction of the latter’s room.
“Let’s follow them.” said Hitsugaya.
“What? And witness their intimacy? I’m sorry, but I’m a Kuchiki, and Kuchikis are not voyeurs.”
“Be reasonable, Captain Kuchiki. It’s all to see if the Operation was successful.”
And so, against my will, I found myself being dragged all the way to Ichimaru’s room.
“Hear them?” whispered Hitsugaya; “Sounds like they’re really into it.”
I could hear furniture being disturbed, the wooden floor shaking, Ichimaru moaning, Aizen grunting, and all sorts of other hideous noises that were sure to give me sleepless nights for at least a month.
*
The next day, we received news that Captain Aizen was found murdered, and Lieutenants Hinamori and Kira were jailed for misbehaving. I heard from Hitsugaya that the former suspected Ichimaru for the murder.
“Looks like your plan failed.”
“No, not quite. Both Ichimaru and Aizen have been successfully incapacitated.
Incapacitated was a rather weak word to describe Aizen’s state, but I had to agree.
“So my bed is finally safe.” I remarked idly.
“Er, I wouldn’t be too sure of that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Captain Kuchiki, can I sleep over at your place tonight?”
I made a mental note to visit Lieutenant Hinamori in prison and find out if she had accidentally (or otherwise) administered the love potion to Hitsugaya.
As for now, I’m considering replacing my bed with a sleeping bag.
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