Playwrights: Kaiser W. and Nanochip
Dracula: Welcome to Transylvania
In the country of Romania.
Please Enter Castle Drac,
You’ll make a nice, tasty snack.
Teacher: Say hello to our nice, ugly host!
Dracula: Excuse me, lady, but I am not nice--
Teacher: Oh, modesty! Anyway, students, say hi!
Students: Sup Drac?
How’s it goin’?
Dracula: Just come inside already!
* * *
Student 3: Look at the size of that box!
Student 2: Let’s play hide and seek!
Dracula: No, no, no! You do not play hide and seek with my coffin, my bedroom!
Student 1: Dude, in this big castle, all you could find is this dingy old box to sleep in?
Dracula: Do not insult the coffin of Dracula, you mindless mortal! It’s been in my family for centuries.
Student 2: No wonder it stinks. It’s ancient!
Dracula: Argh! Old is gold!
Student 3: But this is black.
Dracula: You’re driving me crazy! You will get bedrooms with a bathroom en suite, okay?
Teacher: Aw, that’s really nice of you!
Student 4: Do you have satellite television and broadband Internet?
Dracula: Uh, no. But I can change into a bat, and I do have a pipe organ in my basement.
Student 4: [Sighing] How boring your life must be...
Dracula: Yeah whatever, now off to bed, and don’t forget to take the iron tablets I put out for you on your nightstands. I like healthy blood--... uh, I like my guests to have healthy blood.
Teacher: But we can’t possibly go to bed now; not when there’s this beautiful castle to explore!
Dracula: (Well/You know what) too bad for you, because I’m an early creeper--... uh, uh, uh, sleeper.
Teacher: Whatever you say.
* * *
[Students 1 and 3 creep out of their rooms to explore the castle.]
Student 1: It’s night. What do you want?
Student 3: I want to explore.
Student 1: [Sighing] All right.
(They come across Dracula, who’s in his coffin)
Student 1: Whoa!
Student 3: This is a terrible sight,
Has given me fright.
It’s the spooky old creep.
He seems fast asleep.
But he’s lying in some mold,
And his skin is icy cold.
And he looks very ill,
Plus his heart is quite still.
So with this coffin for his bed
I fear he must be DEAD!
I’m sure he can’t be faking--
Student 1: -- And you’ve just started shaking. Quit with the poetry already, he’s just asleep!
Dracula: Ha! The fool is quite mistaken,
for tonight I will awaken!
I haven’t passed away.
I’m just sleeping--
Student 1: See?! He was just sleeping! Now can we please go back?
Dracula: Hold it right there!--
Teacher: Good morning!!!
(Also enter Students 2 and 4)
Dracula: Please don’t interrupt me!
Teacher: Oh, really sorry. Go right on.
Dracula: As I was saying, I am a vampire and you are humans!
Student 1: Uh, I think I noticed that too. Now, will you please just get to the point?
Dracula: Hmpf! No respect for vampires nowadays, I see! Back in the Middle Ages--
Student 2: Do we look like the kind of people who believe in witches and werewolves?
Dracula: Well, I assumed--
Student 2: I’m insulted!
Student 3: Yeah!
Student 4: Me too!
Student 1: Uh... Yeah, fine, whatever.
Student 2: I’m leaving. This place is no fun.
Dracula: No, no, no! You can’t leave!
You’ve come to Transylvania.
Of your blood I will drain ya!
Student 1: For the last time, why does it always have to be poetry?!
Dracula: It sounds cool.
Student 2: Sorry to have to break this to you, but no, it doesn’t.
Student 3: It sounds dumb.
Student 1: But you were the one who was reciting away in abandon a while back.
(The teacher gets on the phone)
Teacher: Oh my gosh/god!
Student 4: [In urgency] What is it?
Teacher: [Hanging up] My travel agent has just told me that we’ve come to the wrong castle!
We were supposed to visit Buckingham Palace in London! [Sighing] Romanian Airways... [Shakes head]
Student 2: You mean to say that we get to meet the Queen of England? Real life Royalty?
(Dracula: And what am I supposed to be, A Romanian beggar?)
Student 3: Cool!
Student 1: Must definitely be a lot better there than here.
Student 4: Well, what are we waiting for then? Let’s go!
(They run away exuberantly)
Dracula: Nooooooooooooooooo! Happy Teachers’ Day!
Dracula: Welcome to Transylvania
In the country of Romania.
Please Enter Castle Drac,
You’ll make a nice, tasty snack.
Teacher: Say hello to our nice, ugly host!
Dracula: Excuse me, lady, but I am not nice--
Teacher: Oh, modesty! Anyway, students, say hi!
Students: Sup Drac?
How’s it goin’?
Dracula: Just come inside already!
* * *
Student 3: Look at the size of that box!
Student 2: Let’s play hide and seek!
Dracula: No, no, no! You do not play hide and seek with my coffin, my bedroom!
Student 1: Dude, in this big castle, all you could find is this dingy old box to sleep in?
Dracula: Do not insult the coffin of Dracula, you mindless mortal! It’s been in my family for centuries.
Student 2: No wonder it stinks. It’s ancient!
Dracula: Argh! Old is gold!
Student 3: But this is black.
Dracula: You’re driving me crazy! You will get bedrooms with a bathroom en suite, okay?
Teacher: Aw, that’s really nice of you!
Student 4: Do you have satellite television and broadband Internet?
Dracula: Uh, no. But I can change into a bat, and I do have a pipe organ in my basement.
Student 4: [Sighing] How boring your life must be...
Dracula: Yeah whatever, now off to bed, and don’t forget to take the iron tablets I put out for you on your nightstands. I like healthy blood--... uh, I like my guests to have healthy blood.
Teacher: But we can’t possibly go to bed now; not when there’s this beautiful castle to explore!
Dracula: (Well/You know what) too bad for you, because I’m an early creeper--... uh, uh, uh, sleeper.
Teacher: Whatever you say.
* * *
[Students 1 and 3 creep out of their rooms to explore the castle.]
Student 1: It’s night. What do you want?
Student 3: I want to explore.
Student 1: [Sighing] All right.
(They come across Dracula, who’s in his coffin)
Student 1: Whoa!
Student 3: This is a terrible sight,
Has given me fright.
It’s the spooky old creep.
He seems fast asleep.
But he’s lying in some mold,
And his skin is icy cold.
And he looks very ill,
Plus his heart is quite still.
So with this coffin for his bed
I fear he must be DEAD!
I’m sure he can’t be faking--
Student 1: -- And you’ve just started shaking. Quit with the poetry already, he’s just asleep!
Dracula: Ha! The fool is quite mistaken,
for tonight I will awaken!
I haven’t passed away.
I’m just sleeping--
Student 1: See?! He was just sleeping! Now can we please go back?
Dracula: Hold it right there!--
Teacher: Good morning!!!
(Also enter Students 2 and 4)
Dracula: Please don’t interrupt me!
Teacher: Oh, really sorry. Go right on.
Dracula: As I was saying, I am a vampire and you are humans!
Student 1: Uh, I think I noticed that too. Now, will you please just get to the point?
Dracula: Hmpf! No respect for vampires nowadays, I see! Back in the Middle Ages--
Student 2: Do we look like the kind of people who believe in witches and werewolves?
Dracula: Well, I assumed--
Student 2: I’m insulted!
Student 3: Yeah!
Student 4: Me too!
Student 1: Uh... Yeah, fine, whatever.
Student 2: I’m leaving. This place is no fun.
Dracula: No, no, no! You can’t leave!
You’ve come to Transylvania.
Of your blood I will drain ya!
Student 1: For the last time, why does it always have to be poetry?!
Dracula: It sounds cool.
Student 2: Sorry to have to break this to you, but no, it doesn’t.
Student 3: It sounds dumb.
Student 1: But you were the one who was reciting away in abandon a while back.
(The teacher gets on the phone)
Teacher: Oh my gosh/god!
Student 4: [In urgency] What is it?
Teacher: [Hanging up] My travel agent has just told me that we’ve come to the wrong castle!
We were supposed to visit Buckingham Palace in London! [Sighing] Romanian Airways... [Shakes head]
Student 2: You mean to say that we get to meet the Queen of England? Real life Royalty?
(Dracula: And what am I supposed to be, A Romanian beggar?)
Student 3: Cool!
Student 1: Must definitely be a lot better there than here.
Student 4: Well, what are we waiting for then? Let’s go!
(They run away exuberantly)
Dracula: Nooooooooooooooooo! Happy Teachers’ Day!
3 comments :
Notes:
Perform'd on Teacher's Day. Like all the plays we wrote during our reign as the literary authorities of Kalpa, poor mike quality combined with the audience's natural bewilderment meant that little was comprehended. Nevertheless, I imagine that people enjoyed this particular play more than the others. Indeed, the director Mrs. K. G. could be seen after the performance exuberantly encouraging Nanochip, who played Dracula himself, to drop out of school and pursue an acting career - or something to that effect. Just that morning (if memory serves), a group of us was hanging around the school gates, and wished Mrs. K. G. a Happy Teacher's Day (fully aware of the irony), and Mrs. K. G. smilingly said, "Same to you!" Our laughter would have been audible for miles.
What I forgot to add was that the poetry was taken from a book Nanochip owns/owned. We were good, but not that good.
I neglected to add that we were quite happy that the poetry had been mistaken for something of our composition.
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