So today I was browsing through the Trinity Blood category because I had nothing to do and the Slam Dunk category's as lifeless as a turkey on Thanksgiving, and I came across this story that has virtually everything Bet You Love That condemned.
It was written a year ago and is called Winds of Desire. Follow this link, if you must: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3619274/1/Winds_of_Desire. I couldn't go past the first chapter (not that I wanted to, of course.) And this time I actually flamed. I'm yet to receive a reply from the author.
The presentation of the story is as obnoxious, because it was written in boldface. As if her retardation couldn't have gotten any more conspicuous...
Anyway, here's an example of his/her retardation:
Ion sighed “ late again, as usual.”
Somebody has obviously not learned in school that sentences begin with capital letters. Moreover, the space between the quotation mark and the l cannot be condoned. One may consider it a typographical error, but there are a gazillion other errors to back it up, so this little mistake just accentuates the author's retardation.
The principle walked out of his office looking at the commotion in the office.
So she's so stupid that she can't tell the difference between 'principle' and 'principal'. Moreover, it doesn't appear as if the word 'pronoun' has ever entered her ears. Of course, it could be a result of the presence of the many filters inside her ear, which often culminates in the Deaf Ear Syndrome, which in turn is characteristic of retarded people. You see, anything exceeding monosyllabic words in complexity simply bounces off these filters.
Now lets see, you all will be paired off into groups of two.”. Dietrich smirked, finally he might be able to get away from Isaak.
Improper usage of comma. Twice. I don't get why there was a need to insert two friggin' periods there, after the dialog. It's not like boulders in a dam where the more boulders you have the more resistant the dam is. Your sentence isn't going to break free and run away.
Isaak felt a lusting wanting aura coming from Radu as he turned to see him staring at Amanda.
Tut, tut. Two consecutive verbs. You could have at least used a comma there, couldn't you? And an aura can't lust, for your information.
Most noticeable are the author's notes she leaves in the middle of the story. While some people at least put them inside parentheses, this author doesn't. As a result one has no idea when the note ends.
Here are a few examples of her author's notes that make it blatant that the author is an attention-whore, in the words of Bet You Love That and others:
A girl with dark brown hair with glasses walked in holding paper in her right hand. Authors note: Amanda is about 5’9 Isaak smirked thinking if he couldn’t have Dietrich, she would do just fine.
Fuck! Where the hell, now, does your 'authors note' end and your story recommence? For one thing, I may have considered not putting 'authors notes' inside sarcastic single-quotation marks if you just knew a certain something known to people with intelligence as an 'apostrophe'. It's this little thing between the t and the s at the beginning of this sentence. Not that hard. Located two keys to the right of the letter L on your keyboard. Try it. Moreover, the author's note (this is how they write it, cow) and the story are completely amalgamated- Not even a period to separate them? Why, did you accidentally use the period that was meant to be here and place it in the sentence two sentences above?
A girl with shortish brown hair tied in the back with a light blush across her face entered the office. Authors note: Kayla is about 5’5. I think.
See? Now there's a role call. Ta da da da da: Presenting our picture-perfect OCs! Fuck! At least other OC writers know their OCs. What the fuck do you mean by 'I think'? Were you trying to be funny? I was just wondering, because I've seen raped women with better humor than you. (No, of course I haven't seen raped women!)
“ The last of you” points at Cain and Hugue “ will be going with Melissa.”.
Ah, see? Now the OCs are being appointed to different people. Again, the space after the quotation. And where's the period, or comma, or whatever after 'you'? And why the fuck are you verbalizing actions rather than writing out full and descriptive sentences? This isn't a play. And just so you know, one can also be succint and descriptive at the same time, so you don't have to worry much about overexerting that tiny brain of yours.
Cain glared at Hugue ‘ How dare he think he can say such things to me. She will be mine and no one else’s.’ Cain thought. Hugue glared back ‘ Does he think that he can corrupt some one like her for his own sick pleasure. Humph she will be mine. No one shall harm her’ Hugue thought as Cain and himself ran down the hall and over to Melissa, rapping themselves on her as they glared at each other.
This is a particularly disturbing paragraph. What is there to not criticize? This is a bundle of errors. A hideous bundle of errors, comprising punctuation, basic grammar, and my, oh, my, spelling errors. I mean, which kindergartner doesn't know the spelling of wrap?
The principle ( anime sweat drop) “ Well it seems that they have everything under control” he said as he slipped into his office locking the door.
I need to take a breather. I think my point is fairly obvious.
And I've nicked the following from chapter 2. That's right. I braced myself for the horrors and I persevered. And I struck gold!
Kayla was hiding in the catacombs under the school. Authors note: there are actual catacombs under our school. A select few of us know were the entrance is.
Bless my shit, but spare me my sanity! Hey, Strider, isn't this kind of an author what you guys condemned as 'attenion whore'? And what do you mean 'select few'? Don't tell me your teachers go: "Attention-Whore-1, Attention-Whore-2 and Attention-Whore-3..., I am hereby selecting you to know where the entrance to the catacombs under our school is." Sheesh! Fuck you! How can someone with that little intelligence have possibly been born on this planet?
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