I'm so bored of my monotonous life that I've given up keeping track of time. I mean, it's already November 13 and it's like I don't even give a shit about how quickly the year 2008 flew by. Soon it's gonna be January, and then it's gonna be time for my board exams, and then I shall have graduated from 10th grade, and before I know it it's gonna be November 13, 2009. I shall be sixteen then, and I wonder if I shall be this detached and flippant. Hopefully not, because man is the maker of his own destiny, and if I goof up at this stage of my life, I'm going to regret it when I grow older, and regret never brings back something that's already been lost. So what am I supposed to do? I don't even know what stream I want to enter. I keep telling myself that only time will tell, but it turns out that time will only lead me to the crossroads and I will have to make the choice. It's just a lot tougher than I thought. Right at this moment Robert Frost's The Road not Taken popped into my head. Particularly the lines: "Looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth." Really, I just can't see far enough to be able to frame a definite decision. I have just a couple of years more to decide which road I want to take, and the choice I make then will decide whether my dreams were meant to be fulfilled or just remain dreams. Yeah, I'm a dreamer; so what? Kipling says in his poem--If: "If you can dream and not make dreams your master". I don't know how he defined 'master' over there. Dreams that are too big, perhaps? Am I thinking too much of myself and my abilities? That they aren't as great as I render them to be, as I want others to believe? Anyway, all these disturbing thoughts can wait till later.
Right now I find it a lot easier to resign myself to the world of my imagination, where I gain true solace from the real world and the dilemmas that come with it. I often find it a lot easier to pretend my problems don't exist, and imagine everything is the way I want it to be, than to think about my problems and about ways to solve them. I suppose that's characteristic human behavior--to run away from problems instead of facing them.
Yesterday, Kouri introduced me to this site where you can read free manga, and ever since, I've been reading up on what happens from the point the anime ends in Slam Dunk. It's awfully addictive, and at the same time, fills me with an inexplicible feeling of rapture. I don't know. No other anime has ever been so close to me as Slam Dunk, and that can be explained by the fact that it's the only one I care to write for. I like Trinity Blood, but I only write for it if I'm bored. But Slam Dunk is something else. I suppose my head is in the clouds and pretty soon it's going to go into a different dimension altogether--a proof that I'm getting loopy--but all the same, Slam Dunk has virtually become a part of my life now. And it worries me because it draws me into my imaginary nonexistent world, and away from the real world. I'm afraid I get carried away way too often, and... I don't know. I'm really, really confused, and would choose not to dwell on it at the moment, for the sake of the little sanity that I have left.
Music is great, too. I don't know how anybody else feels about listening to the same old piece of music over and over again, uncountable times, every darn day, consistently, but never getting bored with it. My being reacts in strange ways to the melody of Bach. It's as if my metabolism depends on it. Even when it's playing and I'm not actually listening to it, and am doing something else, like say, homework, my subconscious actively drinks in the music, and I feel really lighthearted. I feel a wave of unrelated emotions--ecstasy, sadness, awe, etc.--constantly circulating somewhere at the back of my head, where I don't pay attention to it. I don't know. I've really become weird. Frighteningly so. To all those reading this, yeah, I'm going nuts, and I don't know how or why. I just am. Tomorrow I'll probably feel less confused, probably even confident, which is only extra proof supporting my ostensible case of schizophrenia. I am too mature for my own good, yet too immature to be a normal human being. I'm excessively perceptive and too much of a genius for my own good, yet too stupid to be a normal human being. I'm unwholesomely confident about my life, yet miserably confused about my living. That is all.
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