Until further notice Phase Test IV is on the 8th, which is this Friday. It wouldn’t have been as disturbing a thought if I’d actually studied enough for it, but since I always find myself doing something else, I think I’ll be facing a hard time on Friday. It’s not so much the fact that we’re warned every day about how hard the test is going to be as the fact that I know that I can do well if I put in the necessary effort. The fact is, I’m too indolent to exert myself for hours at a stretch, trying to discover the secret behind the more profound scientific phenomena, or trying to solve a particularly tricky problem. I wouldn’t have blamed myself for it if I’d been ignorant of it. (Logically that’s obvious.) But the fact that I’m aware of this aspect of my nature, and have been aware of it for a considerably long time is something that is truly deplorable. However, I do manage to exert myself occasionally, and the results are satisfactory, but the problem here is that I tend to get overconfident thereafter, and revert to my original state of pure laziness. If it weren’t for this inconsistency, I might have been in the best batch. But as it happens, I’m not: I’m languishing in the second best batch, and frankly, since we haven’t had a test in a long time, I’m not sure if I even deserve to be in it anymore.
But the funny part is that I know I can do better. There’s no dearth of self-confidence to blame for my apparent lack of motivation, nor any reason to believe that I’m not aware of the gravity of the situation. I know perfectly well what’s going to happen to me if I don’t “focus”: the teachers have made it abundantly clear. But something is definitely wrong somewhere, or I wouldn’t be facing this problem. There’s something that the friends of mine who infallibly do well on tests have that I’m missing: there’s something about the way they probably go about the whole thing that I’m not aware of yet. I wonder if it’s high time I start following their study-six-hours-a-day routine. The procedure, although tedious, is likely to yield the results that never came. It is, after all, better to forego the insignificant pleasures of teenage life while keeping the “bigger picture” in mind. The teachers always say that if we spend these two years, viz. 11th and 12th grade, studying hard, our whole life is going to be fun. I could disagree on that. It’s true that we shall be guaranteed great jobs with great pay, and thus be in a monetarily good position when we’re adults. But you gradually lose the capacity to enjoy things as you grow older: that’s my perception of life. It’s pretty ironic: that when you actually have the ability to enjoy life, you’re not allowed to; and when you supposedly are free to enjoy life, you don’t have the ability. But I don’t really care, since my goal is to make money: I never mentioned happiness anywhere. Protecting my dignity is far more important. Sure, maybe I could engage in philanthropy to set myself apart from misanthropic misers, and maybe I could indulge in all the other little things that I have in mind right now. But the truth is that I can’t envisage my reaction to being entitled to all these luxuries. And funnily, that’s the way I’d rather have it.
I studied a total of about four hours today. I know it’s superficial of me to be comparing the quality of study to how long I’ve studied, but I’m moderately satisfied. I think that the quality of my study today was satisfying enough, considering that I still have a couple of days more before the Phase Test. And then there’s that stultifying feeling that I’ve missed something that the friends I mentioned earlier have not, and then I go back and reread my notes, try to think back to what my teachers said in class: to those little details that I might have neglected to write down in my notebook. Needless to say, I couldn’t think of anything. My chemistry teacher once hinted that the notes he gave us would suffice when it came to studying for tests, but that hasn’t really got me anywhere all this time. So I decided to try out something new. It was a couple of weeks ago that I picked up this textbook on Organic Chemistry from some old closet. My dad bought it over two years ago when I didn’t have the slightest need for it. I’d cast it aside in disdain. But it turns out that this book is the best book of Organic Chemistry that I’ve ever read. That isn’t to say that I’ve read many, but still. I can tell after only a page of reading if the book is a good one or a bad one. This particular one is written in pleasantly lucid language, is very informative, and is credible. Organic Chemistry, being the hardest topic in chemistry yet, definitely needs more than just a dispassionate glance through the notebook.
My physics teacher has said that we shouldn’t be too bothered about the Phase Test, because it’s “just a Phase Test.” He said what we should be focusing on is the Reshuffling Test of April, since that is going to decide which batch we’re going to be in for the whole of 12th grade. Obviously, my goal is to get into the best batch, and I’m fortifying myself with the belief that I am good enough to be in it. But I’m also going to focus on the upcoming Phase Test, because doing well on it will only reinforce this belief, and thereby inspire me to study as hard as I can for the Reshuffling Test. I consider it an indignity to be in the second best batch, and will not settle for anything less than the best in 12th grade. Of course, there’s that “super batch” that was formed a few months ago, and comprises the best fifteen students in the best batch. So technically the best batch is the second best batch, and ours is the third. But I don’t take this “super batch” into consideration. For all practical purposes it’s part of the best batch: much like this whole Andhra-Telengana triviality.
Oh, and Happy Birthday Nicky!
9 comments :
wow, comparing your experiences in school before college to mine, i'd say my school life before college was chicken feed. i swear, i didn't have to exert any effort in studying back then and we didn't have phase exams or reshuffling tests to be in the best batch or class. consequently, i didn't learn a lot XD haha. what i know now, i got mostly from self-studying and from reading a lot. lol. my school sucked
it's... well, it gets on your nerves, especially when you're more insterested in taking tests relevant to US colleges and then flying off there for college.. but the thing is, i really, really want to do well in studies in general, so i can't ignore this. plus this stuff is obviously going to be related to what i'll be doing in colleges in the US, too, so i've reconciled myself to this. now all that's left to do is get myself to study longer :]
oh, and the phase test has been rescheduled to the 12th owing to all the classes we lost last month. gosh, i'm really tempted to slack ^_^
Pretty much feeling the same here. After the whole bandh holidays thing, the whole flow and continuity of things got so messed up, don't you think? And that slight inspiration that appears after flunking a phase test (well I don't know if I did; those idiots are making me chase them around the second floor begging for my rank) just went *poof*... I'm terribly demotivated currently, and was toying with the idea of blogging it; but Anushka gave me a brilliant blog idea to lift my spirits =P doesn't change anything though, *sigh*
Was pleasantly surprised to see my name at the end. Thank you! =)
i certainly hope i don't flunk. a couple of days ago, i was like, i really have to do well on the phase test, and then in order to kick the whole self-confidence thing up a notch, i said, i will do well on the phase test. the very next day css conducted a doubts class, and i was like, i'm definitely flunking this one :) needless to say i'll be focusing on chemistry for the greater part. SHM is easy. math is fairly easy, too.
i haven't been seeing you at fiitjee lately. have you been staying at home or something?
Yeah I've been staying at home. The first day my parents were so excited about me bunking school (not a situation you would like to be in if you wanted to study) that they dragged me all over everywhere (shopping, to taj deccan, for a walk, and the like) and finally took me to 3 idiots. Needless to say, I didn't make much progress that day, so I had to take another day off and sternly told my parents to leave me alone -_- seriously, who the hell is supposed to be the responsible one here? Anyways, today I'm doing Chem... I'll be concentrating on that too, after last phase test's disaster. I'm coming tomorrow though; skipping three days in a row would poke my conscience =P
Honestly, your exams never seem to end. Do they ever let you off where you come from? Must be horrible.
actually we don't have too many exams either. i mean, the phase test is just one test. but yeah, you're right, over here it's generally accepted that you're only allowed to stop studying if you stop breathing. oh, and it's highly recommended that you study your journey to heaven, or hell as the case may be :]
I'm the guy who's got to face tests three times a week, I'd take a phase test any day if it meant i'd be spared from this indomitably idiosyncratic propensity towards self-immolation...
but they tend to lose their importance after a while owing to their frequency. i mean, you've got tests so many times that if you don't do well on one there's really nothing to lose. but for us, we have a phase test only at the end of a phase, and this time we haven't had a single weekly test at all, so essentially not doing well on this one would equate to not doing well in the whole phase. lots of pressure :)
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