the lost umbrella

“The umbrella,” says STP animatedly, trying to sound like an expert on the subject, “is very important to Indians.” This statement was received with no little incredulity by the class, which sanely believed that the umbrella, while used for a couple more things than protection against the sun and the rain from time to time, was still not important enough to warrant the label “The Indian’s Most Prized Possession” – which STP’s little impassioned speech seemed to hint at.

STP’s passion for the umbrella was engendered by a short story written by R. K. Narayan called “The Lost Umbrella”, in which the narrator loses an umbrella, and then recalls all the happy times he had spent with it in a few paragraphs’ worth of pretentious descriptions – whose intention was largely to build on the satirical aspect of the story. STP, however, as usual, lavishly over-interpreted the story, supporting his ridiculous contentions with made-up facts.

“Have you noticed that they give umbrella daan during a funeral?”

Uhm, no. I haven’t been to a single funeral in my life, but I’m sure, if they practiced such a thing, that their only intention would be to protect themselves or the dead body from the sun or the rain. There’s absolutely no significance, symbolic or otherwise, in giving an undeserving priest a black umbrella.

“The soul rests under the umbrella.”

He said this with his left hand in his butt pocket.

“Protection from sun and rain are secondary. For Indians, the primary purpose of the umbrella is that umbrella daan.”

He digresses here for a moment to attribute Narayan’s inspiration to the Chaturvedas.

“Have you ever noticed that they place the idol under the umbrella?”

Well, if they did such a thing, it would obviously be to protect it, at least symbolically, against the sun and the rain. Associating umbrellas with religion just because people use umbrellas in their depiction of deities doesn’t make much sense at all.

But wait! There’s more! Given STP’s immense knowledge on good parenting and child care, it’s only natural for one to believe him when he says that people put children under umbrellas when they’re born. I mean, what could bring peace to their tormented little souls better than umbrellas?

“In the West, they only use the umbrellas for protecting against sun and rain.”

Which is – duh – what umbrellas were made for. Am I missing something over here?

Disclaimer: STP’s words as reported here are not in their original form, but a crude approximation. What an English teacher!