“Welcome.” Amy surveyed her audience lazily from in front of an atrociously made slide deck. “Normally I wouldn’t condescend to speak to you distinguished men and women, but I have recently had a profound idea, as I often do, and I thought it would be a waste not to share it with you. Any questions before we begin?”
There were none. Half the audience was asleep, and the other half wondered whether their tickets would be refunded if they chose to walk out right now.
“Good!” Amy swept her springy locks back over her forehead with a large hand. “The idea I wanted to talk to you about is an idea for an operating system. Now, most of you know me as a social computing person. I have no patience for nerds. But this particular idea occurred to me one evening as I was breastfeeding my son and my husband in parallel, and I quickly wrote it down before I forgot.
“The operating system is called UDDRZ. It’s a distributed operating system that consists of a few nodes, called UDDRZ, connected by an ever flowing substrate of MILK. We use a custom-designed version of PAXOS called LACTOS to maintain consensus. I’m sure you’re all wondering, ‘Why’s it called UDDRZ? What connection could it possibly have to milk? Is this just Amy’s maternal instincts kicking in post-menopause?’”
The audience had not been contemplating any of these questions, but now that Amy mentioned it, they began wondering how Amy could breastfeed her husband and her son, if she were post-menopausal? Little did they know that that was only a small glimpse of Amy’s lactic talents—the tip, as it were, of the tit.
“The details of this milky, milky substrate can be found in my seven-volume autobiography that I’m publishing next year. Look it up there, if you’re interested. But in simple words, it’s an ever-flowing stream of goodness: personal messages, inappropriate PMs, etc. In short, everything you’d expect to find in the worst online communities.”
Amy spoke for nine and a half hours, pausing only once when she had a wardrobe malfunction.
“Excuse me,” she said with a cough, adjusting her top. “It appears my little ladies don’t know it’s not dinner time.”
Some laughter from the balcony.
“Anyway, moving on. So what is MOO MOO MILK? It’s an online community for teenagers who like milk. Hence MILK; hence UDDRZ. If you have any questions, you can edit the ‘Talk’ page on my Wikipedia article. I’ll get back to you in no more then ten minutes.”
She sailed offstage like a ship running aground. The audience left without applauding, and did not even pick up their free copy of the UDDRZ installation disk or a complimentary bottle of fresh Bruckman milk at the exit.
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